Despite the good press that it got from Madonna, virgin sex can be a stressful experience. We receive messages about our sexual journey from family, media, culture, peers – and rarely are they all saying the same thing. As a couple deciding to take further steps in your sexual relationship, you might have some worries about what it’ll look like. It totally makes sense to have some concerns. Let’s talk about some common ones, and how to have a good first time despite your fears:
- The first big one is pain! There is a lot of uncertainty and worry about having pain as part of your first sexual experience, especially if you’re a woman. If you have any pain in sex during your first time, our advice is to slow down and even stop if you need to. Sometimes pain is a signal for us to slow down and reassess. If you’re worried about pain, coordinating a plan to stop or slow down ahead of time can make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
- Doing it right. A lot of times couples worry about sex happening “the right way” for them. Everybody does sex differently, and it’s okay if your sexual experience is unique, as long as you and your partner are comfortable. Rather than worrying about doing things the right way, focus on what feels good for you and your partner!
- Your own expectations may also be interfering – maybe you’re worried that you aren’t performing well enough. Maybe you feel you should be more turned on, or you find yourself getting distracted. Rather than piling more pressure on yourself, try to focus on what you’re experiencing and stay in the moment – that’s where the magic is happening.
- Last but definitely not least, your partner’s expectations may be something you’re worried about. Maybe you don’t feel like they’re into it or turned on enough, or that they know a lot more than you do. Maybe this isn’t what they want at all! Remember that sex is something that you can do again and do better next time. Growing and getting better has been the plan with sex all along. When you feel comfortable, let your partner know what was fun and comfortable for you, and ask what they thought about the experience.
Having better sex with your partner is a process, and you may be feeling some pressure to perform. If you start off strong with communication around sex, you set yourselves up for success as you open up this new chapter in your relationship!